Tips to help with perfectionism
Helping Kids Navigate Perfectionism
Perfectionism is a trait that might seem like a good thing—after all, working hard, persisting, and trying our best can all lead to success. However, perfectionism can also be overwhelming, creating unnecessary stress and self-doubt. By understanding what perfectionism is and using the right strategies and support, you can help your child embrace imperfection, build self-compassion, and grow into a more confident, adaptable human.
What Is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism is the tendency to set unrealistically high standards for oneself and feel intense pressure to meet those expectations. For kids, this might show up as:
Avoiding tasks: They might refuse to start something unless they’re sure they can do it perfectly.
Meltdowns or frustration: A minor mistake can feel catastrophic, leading to tears, anger, or self-criticism.
Fear of failure: Some kids avoid trying new activities or taking risks because they worry they won’t excel.
Overworking: Others may spend excessive amounts of time on tasks, striving for flawless results.
Why Are Some Kids Perfectionists?
Perfectionism can develop for a variety of reasons, including personality traits, environmental influences, and life experiences. Some contributing factors include:
High expectations: Whether real or perceived, kids who sense pressure to succeed academically, socially, or athletically may internalize the need to be perfect.
Comparisons: In today’s world of social media and competitive environments, kids can feel like they’re constantly being measured against their peers.
Innate tendencies: Some children are naturally more sensitive or conscientious, which can make them prone to perfectionist thinking.
The Downsides of Perfectionism
While striving to do well can be positive, perfectionism often comes with emotional and mental health challenges, such as:
Increased anxiety and stress
Low self-esteem or feelings of inadequacy
Difficulty coping with failure or setbacks
Procrastination due to fear of not meeting expectations
Over time, unchecked perfectionism can even lead to burnout or avoidance behaviors that impact a child’s overall growth and happiness.
How to Help Your Child Manage Perfectionism
As a parent or caregiver, you can help your child develop a healthier mindset around effort and achievement. Here are some strategies to support them:
1. Normalize Mistakes: Teach your child that mistakes are a natural part of learning. Model accepting mistakes with grace and share your own experiences with failure and how they helped you grow. Encourage them to see setbacks as opportunities for growth rather than evidence of inadequacy.
2. Focus on Effort, Not Outcomes: Praise your child’s effort and persistence rather than their results. For example, instead of saying, “You got an A—great job!” try, “I’m so proud of how hard you worked on that project.” Instead of expecting all A’s, look for and praise effort and progress instead.
3. Set Realistic Expectations: Help your child set achievable goals and recognize that it’s okay not to be the best at everything. Celebrate progress and improvement rather than perfection or being #1.
4. Model Self-Compassion: Show your child what it looks like to be kind to yourself. If you make a mistake, talk openly about it and how you’re moving forward. This helps children understand that perfection isn’t required to be valuable or loved.
5. Encourage Play and Exploration: Provide opportunities for your child to engage in activities where the experience matters more than the outcome. Unstructured play, creative hobbies, and trying new activities can help ease the pressure to perform.
6. Keep Communication Open: Create a safe space where your child feels comfortable sharing their fears, mistakes, and struggles. Listen without judgment and validate their feelings, even if you don’t share their perspective.
7. Practice making mistakes: Help your child practice making small mistakes in safe settings. This normalizes imperfection and teaches them that messing up isn’t a big deal. Over time, they’ll learn that mistakes are just part of learning and growing.
Creative Strategies to Help Kids Reduce Perfectionism
Below, I’ve included some of my favorite creative strategies to help children manage perfectionism in fun and engaging ways.
When to Seek Professional Help
If perfectionism is significantly impacting your child’s mental health or daily life, it may be time to seek professional support. A psychologist or mental health professional can assess your child’s needs and provide tailored treatment recommendations.
If you think I might be a good fit, feel free to call me at (216) 245-2421 for a free 15-minute phone consultation. I’d be happy to hear what’s happening and, if I’m not the right fit, help point you in the right direction.